You know what really bothers me? At least it has lately… The movie reel for nearly every Christian movie…
You know what I’m talking about? Before God — awful. With God — rainbows and butterflies… Close movie happily ever after.
I’ve noticed a trend in testimonies being that way too. I don’t know that we even realize it. We want to end on a good note. We want a happy ending… but what if there isn’t one? At least, not in our lifetime.
I got thinking about this… And I get it, a lot of times there is a happy ending and I’m glad for those testimonies. But lately, I haven’t been able to resonate with them. Maybe it’s the grief.
But, can I be honest? Sometimes, things don’t work out the way we hoped they would. I decided to follow Christ as a six year old and then started to grasp what that meant at 14 years old. I’ve always attended church and lived the best I knew how to.
But what happens when abuse comes WHEN you’re following God? What happens when relationships are shattered WITHIN a “Christian” setting? What happens when death snatches away your father, child, sister, mom, friend? What happens when you are diagnosed with a terminal disease while you’re in Christian leadership? It’s not like you walked away from God. In fact, you were FOLLOWING him.
I’m writing this in hope of being able to process the scattered thoughts in my own head. I recently read the book, called “Hope Heals.” It’s a story of a young couple (Jay & Kathrine Wolfe) whose lives took a dramatic turn on April 21st, 2008. Kathrine suffered a massive brain stem stroke out of the blue, from the rupturing of an AVM, a rare congenital defect she didn’t even know she had.
The doctors operated on her for 16 hours; removing over 60% of her cerebellum. A lot of intra-cranial nerves where sacrificed. They had no clue what her condition would be when she woke up.
She survived, but the life she once knew was gone. She is blind in her right eye and deaf in her right ear. Her ability to walk and function on her own is also gone. She had to relearn how to walk, read, write and swallow among other things.
So, in situations like that, or maybe in your case; whatever that might be, signing divorce papers, changing your marital status to widow or widower, finding yourself in a hospital with your child whose sick and not given a good prognosis. I think sometimes we can get lost. I think sometimes we question if we have any faith left; because, all “this”, whatever that means for you, took place while you were following God. It’s tempting to say, what’s the use? It’s too painful and somehow all this pain was allowed by a sovereign God. It went through His hands…
I was reminded of the disciples in Matthew 14. John the Baptist had just been beheaded. The disciples had seen Jesus feed the 5,000 and cast out a demon and heal a man’s wrinkled hand. Jesus tells the disciples to go to the other side. During their boat ride to the other side they encounter a storm. Jesus sent them and they faced a storm. Jesus SENT them and they faced a storm.
But the thing the words that keep coming back to mind are those of a disciples: “Who else can I go to? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:66).
I don’t understand it all… My mind cannot wrap around the life that I’ve been given. One day my Dad was healthy on the mend from a knee surgery. The next laying in a coma in ICU and a week later forever gone from this world.
If I’m being honest, lately, it’s been hard for me to hear stories of people who made it, or survived. Because, although it’s probably selfish, I think why didn’t my Dad survive? He was healthy. He lived his life well. He devoted his life to helping others.
But then I think of my friend’s Dad who suffered with an illness for over 12 years until he caught a cold and passed away 2 weeks later — never being healed. Or, my friends who are wheelchair bound. Or, my other friends who struggle with infertility … So forgive me if I have trouble accepting the cliché that most Christian movies portray.
Nothing in this life is guaranteed: Not marriage, not health, not financial ease. But, that’s when I need to remind myself that I am not supposed to be living for this world anyways.
As I’ve wrestled with this question, I thought back to Jesus’ time on earth. This world tore him to shreds on every level. Physically he was beaten beyond recognition. Emotional He went through excruciating loss and turmoil. He grieved his cousin’s death, and his friend’s death. He was verbally attacked on multiple levels and spiritually he had the devil riding him, essentially, the whole time He was here.
This world brought him to his knees in grief. It brought him to sweating blood and it brought him to beating and then ultimately death. This world killed him…
I think we do a great disservice to everyone by painting an “everything will work out — in this life time” picture after you give your life to Christ.
John was beheaded, Peter was crucified, Stephen was stoned….
“And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.
39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. – Hebrews 11:32-40
I think the heartache is once again a reminder that we can only see one piece of the puzzle while God is orchestrating the rest.
I still don’t understand it all… I just know that sometimes it turns out and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it’s really hard and I think it needs to be okay that it’s not okay. I wonder what Jesus would say, if he were here in person, to the one whose lost a loved one… Or to the one who’s not able to have children… Or to the one whose stuck inside a body that won’t function without assistance… I don’t know what He’d say, but I bet you He’d sit down beside them… and listen. He’d listen as you explained your frustration and hurt… and I bet He’d cry with you as mourned the life you thought “should be” and I bet He’d even let you beat on His chest as you questioned over and over and over why this had to be this way….
I once heard a quote that I’ll leave you with…
“The world is full of evil and lies and pain and death, and you can’t hide from it; you can only face it. The question is, when you do – How do you respond? Who do you become?
– Phil Coulson