Cleaning with Tears

It was Friday, April 29th and I was texting my dear friend, Kristi. She told me she was going to the Beth Moore conference that night and the next day.

“Oh, I wanted to go to that”
I said 

Kristi responded, “I have an extra ticket. You can have it”

So, the next day, I got up, drove to the stadium, parked and found Kristi.

Looking back, I had no idea how much that day, that friend, and the message would help me.

Beth Moore shared that if there was a passage in the Bible that explains her life, It would be Luke 7:36-50
“One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee’s house and reclined at table. 37 And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, 38 and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” 40 And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.”

41 “A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42 When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?” 43 Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” 44 Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. 46 You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. 47 Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” 48 And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” 49 Then those who were at table with him began to say among themselves, “Who is this, who even forgives sins?” 50 And he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

Beth Moore said, after reading the passage that there are times when she doesn’t understand. There is disappointment, pain, confusion and loss. She said, “Now this might be too much for ya’ll- if so, look away”. Haha, you gotta love Beth Moore.

What she did and said next was so powerful! She got down on her knees and then lay prostrate. She said, when you feel hurt, disappointed and you don’t understand, get down like this, and cry. Let the tears you are crying fall down. As your tears fall, imagine them falling on Jesus’ feet. Let the tears of confusion, disappointment, pain and loss be your worship to Jesus. She then played “Take me to the King” by Tamela Mann. I made sure to download the song after the conference.

I sat there amazed at the picture I had seen. At that moment in time, I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with me. I hadn’t faced loss, my heart was heavy, but I didn’t know why. I felt a lot of guilt for not being okay. I had a lot to be grateful for. Yet, within two weeks, I would know what Beth was talking about. I would understand the reason why I needed that message when I did.

Fast forward roughly two weeks. I was in a foreign country and felt as though everything was crumbling around me. The only thing I knew to get through was to cling to Jesus. I cried, read the Bible, cried, prayed, cried on repeat for days.

I came to the conclusion that my life was about to change dramatically. One night as I was alone in the room, I was staying in, I realized that this was my last week of this particular job. It was the last trip overseas for who knew how long. It was the last week of certain relationships. It was the last week of being a PA. It was the last week of a lot of things. It was that night that I remembered Beth’s message.  

I got down on the floor, I cried; picturing Jesus’ feet in front of me. I didn’t understand all that was going on. I didn’t have answers, but I knew I had Him. I played, “Take me to the King” and I ended up falling asleep right there.

I am sharing this because something happened this week that took me by surprise. What happened this week, brought up feelings and memories I didn’t care to feel or remember. I found myself crying while I cleaned a client’s house.

I remembered Beth’s message all over again. Sometimes, we have the capability and the privacy to lay down and cry. Other times, our tears come as we clean houses. Sometimes they come when we are in the office. Sometimes they come when we are changing a diaper. Sometimes they come behind a closed door. Sometimes they come in our cars.

Remember Kristi, my friend who invited me that day? She and I have been able to share our tear stories together. She has been my tear buddy. I can tell her, “I am an emotional wreck. I feel so broken” and she understands. She went trough a similar set of hurts, disappointments and losses just a month after I did.

So, I close this blog by saying, you are not alone. We all have tears. We all face disappointments of what we thought would be, or could be. We are broken. But through all that, we are given a gift of tears. Our tears can be our worship. Although we have faced the valley, we have a God who never leaves us or forsakes us. He is the holder of our tears. He deserves not only our tears, but also or very lives- no matter what that entails.

Thank you for also being such good friends and letting me share my tears, struggles, pains and hurts. You have no idea how much it means.

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