Cleaning with Tears

It was Friday, April 29th and I was texting my dear friend, Kristi. She told me she was going to the Beth Moore conference that night and the next day.

“Oh, I wanted to go to that”
I said 

Kristi responded, “I have an extra ticket. You can have it”

So, the next day, I got up, drove to the stadium, parked and found Kristi.

Looking back, I had no idea how much that day, that friend, and the message would help me.

Beth Moore shared that if there was a passage in the Bible that explains her life, It would be Luke 7:36-50
“One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee’s house and reclined at table. 37 And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, 38 and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” 40 And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.”

41 “A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42 When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?” 43 Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” 44 Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. 46 You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. 47 Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” 48 And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” 49 Then those who were at table with him began to say among themselves, “Who is this, who even forgives sins?” 50 And he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

Beth Moore said, after reading the passage that there are times when she doesn’t understand. There is disappointment, pain, confusion and loss. She said, “Now this might be too much for ya’ll- if so, look away”. Haha, you gotta love Beth Moore.

What she did and said next was so powerful! She got down on her knees and then lay prostrate. She said, when you feel hurt, disappointed and you don’t understand, get down like this, and cry. Let the tears you are crying fall down. As your tears fall, imagine them falling on Jesus’ feet. Let the tears of confusion, disappointment, pain and loss be your worship to Jesus. She then played “Take me to the King” by Tamela Mann. I made sure to download the song after the conference.

I sat there amazed at the picture I had seen. At that moment in time, I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with me. I hadn’t faced loss, my heart was heavy, but I didn’t know why. I felt a lot of guilt for not being okay. I had a lot to be grateful for. Yet, within two weeks, I would know what Beth was talking about. I would understand the reason why I needed that message when I did.

Fast forward roughly two weeks. I was in a foreign country and felt as though everything was crumbling around me. The only thing I knew to get through was to cling to Jesus. I cried, read the Bible, cried, prayed, cried on repeat for days.

I came to the conclusion that my life was about to change dramatically. One night as I was alone in the room, I was staying in, I realized that this was my last week of this particular job. It was the last trip overseas for who knew how long. It was the last week of certain relationships. It was the last week of being a PA. It was the last week of a lot of things. It was that night that I remembered Beth’s message.  

I got down on the floor, I cried; picturing Jesus’ feet in front of me. I didn’t understand all that was going on. I didn’t have answers, but I knew I had Him. I played, “Take me to the King” and I ended up falling asleep right there.

I am sharing this because something happened this week that took me by surprise. What happened this week, brought up feelings and memories I didn’t care to feel or remember. I found myself crying while I cleaned a client’s house.

I remembered Beth’s message all over again. Sometimes, we have the capability and the privacy to lay down and cry. Other times, our tears come as we clean houses. Sometimes they come when we are in the office. Sometimes they come when we are changing a diaper. Sometimes they come behind a closed door. Sometimes they come in our cars.

Remember Kristi, my friend who invited me that day? She and I have been able to share our tear stories together. She has been my tear buddy. I can tell her, “I am an emotional wreck. I feel so broken” and she understands. She went trough a similar set of hurts, disappointments and losses just a month after I did.

So, I close this blog by saying, you are not alone. We all have tears. We all face disappointments of what we thought would be, or could be. We are broken. But through all that, we are given a gift of tears. Our tears can be our worship. Although we have faced the valley, we have a God who never leaves us or forsakes us. He is the holder of our tears. He deserves not only our tears, but also or very lives- no matter what that entails.

Thank you for also being such good friends and letting me share my tears, struggles, pains and hurts. You have no idea how much it means.

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Tornados in Life

Tor·na·do / tôrˈnādō/ noun

  • a mobile, destructive vortex of violently rotating winds having the appearance of a funnel-shaped cloud and advancing beneath a large storm system.
  • a person or thing characterized by violent or devastating action or emotion.

Talking to my sister as we did dishes

Chatting about life, love and wishes  
Then it turned to some of our more recent days

And how some simply left us in a haze

We talked about it being like a tornado

The tornados we face in life: a broken relationship, a divorce, a loss

Where you’re left wandering praying for some hope, a simple rainbow

But all you can see is debris toss

All of a sudden you feel alone in the wreckage

You can’t make heads or tails of what used to be

You hear yourself screaming but with no one to hear the message

What do you do, when in front of you is all debris

Survival becomes your only option

You cannot pick up anything but you need to keep breathing

It is too late to take necessary precaution

Count the thumps in your chest, to know your heat is still beating

Calamity, ruin, destruction lay dormant on your path of life

Your heart feels filleted by a sharp knife

No where is there a sign as to which was to go

No one to look to , nothing to show

But stay there you mustn’t

You’ve got to move, take one step

For life will not stop for you- it doesn’t

In the chaos leave the imprint of your footstep

You’re may have succumb to someone else’s denature

But do you dare act as a victim

Once you do, you cause more damage than the original force of nature

You’ve got to tell yourself, “you’re His” as if told from a dictum

We all have to reckon with life’s catastrophes

We can either let them define us, destroy us, or direct us

When we leave it to God and remain faithful He will give us a trophies [Crowns]

His grace for us throughout this life is superfluous

So once you’ve gotten past the initial loss,

There will be times when debris from that will still fall

When you find two ways to go … two roads to cross

Trust God and stand tall

He will see you through it all

The Weight, Privilege and Joy of the Crown


Queen Elizabeth: The brief was simple perform four minor ceremonial tasks with minimum fuss; not end up all over the newspapers 
Princess Margaret: I can’t help it if they want to write about me

Queen Elizabeth: Well, it would help if you didn’t give them what they craved

Princess Margaret: Character and Excitement?

Queen Elizabeth: Instability and drama

Princess Margaret: At least I give them something. You give them nothing.

Queen Elizabeth: I give them silence

Princess Margaret: Silence is nothing

Queen Elizabeth: It is the absence of noise

Princess Margaret: Emptiness… a blank page

Queen Elizabeth: It allows others to shine

Princess Margaret: But the monarchy should shine

Queen Elizabeth: The Monarchy -yes; The Monarch-no.

This piece of dialogue was in the series called The Crown on Netflix. I thought about this conversation the rest of the day, after hearing it. How often has a similar dialogue taken place in my own mind!

You see, as children of God, we are royalty. We are in a sense Princes’ and Princesses. I don’t know about you, but too often, I identify with Margaret. I may not be giving the newspapers what they want, but I want to give myself what I want. Whereas Queen Elizabeth, through her silence and reserved, was protecting the royal family. 

I thought 1st Peter 3:3-4 which says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 
When we step aside, and allow the Monarchy (God) reign, it allows others to shine. He can do more than we could think. It is not that He does not want us to shine, but He wants to be the one holding the spotlight. He wants to shine through us.

When this happens, it is like what John Piper says, “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him”. This is a win-win scenario, not a lose-lose.

To me, Psalm 45 is one of the most beautiful Psalms because it talks about a King, and was written for a wedding.

The Psalmist starts off saying this:

 “My heart is stirred by a noble theme
as I recite my verses for the king;
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.” 

Verse 9-17 says:

Daughters of kings are among your honored women;
at your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir. 

Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention:

Forget your people and your father’s house.
 Let the king be enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord. 

 The city of Tyre will come with a gift, people of wealth will seek your favor. 

All glorious is the princess within her chamber;
her gown is interwoven with gold.
In embroidered garments she is led to the king; 

her virgin companions follow her-
those brought to be with her. 

Led in with joy and gladness,
they enter the palace of the king. 

Your sons will take the place of your fathers; 

you will make them princes throughout the land.

 I will perpetuate your memory through all generations;

therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever. 

You see, just like Queen Elizabeth and even Princess Margaret carried an enormous weight- it was a privilege. For us, we can have joy between the privilege and weight because we have a relationship with a King who is enthralled with our beauty. We sacrifice for Him because we see the sacrifice He made for us.

Will we struggle? Yes. But, we are never alone. Our King will never leave us. He is beside us through every decision. He is beside us through every season of unrest. He is beside us when our enemies seem to be advancing, and when we are at rest. He is not a God who slumbers or sleep (Ps.121:4). He always carries our daily burdens (Ps 68:19). He is our Help (Ps 54:4). God is our refuge and strength (Ps 46:1). God is our exceeding joy (Ps. 43:4) and for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross (Heb 12:2).

Romans 14:17 says, “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit”

So, set lets set our mind on things (or the kingdom) above… We are royalty. God loves you and me. We have a purpose. We are ambassadors of this beautiful kingdom. A kingdom that is full of sacrifice, beauty, hope, joy, peace and eternal life.

May God shine brightly through us- broken vessels, useful to the Master- our King!

P.S I knew there was a reason I liked pineapples so much 😆

I Must Never Forget…

*** Please note- this post is very raw. I wrote this as I was remembering***

I prayed to God that I would not forget

The times, the trials, and the life I thought I might regret

I prayed that the memories would stay raw

For others, whose pain, I saw

I was in Italy, a dream some may say

It felt like hell, my time there was only but one day

I walked around heart sheering in pain

I could hardly cope I wished my life done-my body in a grave lain

I believe I cursed at myself to not give up

Although, I had been told that there were demons inside of me

Which were speaking and someone told them to shut up

I was so confused not sure of who I was, or what to believe

“You’re a runner. You always run” I was told

Lost as to how to withstand the pressure, yet, scared to fold

I was determined to fight

But how and to whom am I supposed to hold tight?

Diseased is how I was portrayed

My wherewithal I knew was slowly being frayed

I kept silent, afraid to stir the pot

I began to anticipate my cheek being, by a hand, shot

There was so much tension

I wanted to die

There was so much condescension

No matter how hard I tried

I wished more than anything to be invisible

Since my presence brought such hostility

How could one person be so divisible

And me- I had become a person of debility

 

I could no longer survive

I was seen as needing more help than one could give

It felt like I was just a pawn to contrive

Although, I still apologized… it was (I was) too grievous to forgive

Betrayer, un-loyal, untrue

Were words I could hardly believe I heard

Wicked through and through

“I am beginning to give up hope” –so much for being reassured

Lost and alone

Not even knowing where to start – who to phone

Will they believe me ?

Even through they cannot see?

It seems implausible

I bought this lie for too long

Hope seemed impossible

I didn’t know where I belonged

We got out of Italy, thankful for a new member joining

I felt the pressure release a bit with a distraction

I felt the new member and I adjoining

Until, another seize of control and I was cut off like a knee-jerk reaction

The manipulation and control sent me into panic

Lack of appetite, and sometimes loss of bodily control

My mind fought so hard to keep me in check – if not I’d be called satanic

By the time I’d fled, the damage – already was done to my soul

I am grateful to know the pressure and fear

For now I know the meaning of so many tears

I taste the indescribable feeling of freedom

A tiny fraction of fellowship with whom they had to “bleed him”

He, my Jesus, held me when I crumbled

Stood firm when I was enraged

Helped me get back up when I stumbled

And when I had to pick up pieces- He was fully engaged

He allowed such pain for something so much greater

I didn’t see it at first, but I see it now

I must never forget, for of my story, He is the creator

For Him, I look ahead and keep my hands to the plow

2017: The Death of my Dreams and Goals

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I sat down January 1st and wrote my goals for 2017. Then I realized that this year may possibly be the death of my dreams and goals.

It is not that I have no hopes, dreams and goals. In fact, the last few months I have had more dreams, hopes and goals than I ever have. However, what if my hopes, dreams and goals don’t line up with God’s desire for my life? What if His goals look differently than mine?

What if writing a book brings more glory to me than Him? I pray that would never be the case, but I am capable of the worst sin. What if God knew that the best thing for me was to suffer? Because in suffering, I have sweet fellowship with Him. What if this year entails more loss? What if it means not getting married? What if it means to be away from my family? Am I okay with the death of my dreams for the fulfillment of God?

After I wrote my dreams and goals for 2017, I wrestled through these questions. I felt like I was slowly dying. Dreams and desires tend to be deep seating within the human heart.  But what if, instead of fighting to achieve them,  I let them go?

The verse that came to mind was John 12:24 which says, “Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” So in a sense, by laying down my will, I’m killing my will.

In all honesty, this is very difficult for me. It’s a hard pill to swallow- especially lately. I have so much I want to do, and I am so excited about the possibilities. I really want some things. I want to fight for what I want. I was reminded again last night that it’s not about me. It’s about Jesus. It’s about His will- not mine!

If He is asking for my dreams and desire – He can have them. He is the one who places certain desires in our hearts. I believe that sometimes those desires get fulfilled, and sometimes those desires are to strengthen and weaken me at the same time. Strengthen my dependence on Him, and weaken my dependence on myself.

So, I hit a few punching bags and prayed. I prayed that God would kill the dreams that aren’t from Him.

I want to have an open hand. So, if that means I never get married or never live close to family, or never become much of anything in the world’s standard – okay. Let it be what it may. My ultimate goal this year should be to love God better than I have any other year. Ultimately, that is the reason I live.

I hope that when God sees me, He knows that if He asked me to do hard things for Him-I would.

This day, this month, this year, this life is NOT about me but about Christ. I want to be more in love with the dream-giver than the dream and desires.

So I may have taken a moment to grieve. I took a moment to let go of certain things and cried. Then, I got back up, wiped my tears and got going.

I’ve learned it’s okay to cry over things that God tells us no to. We are human. But we cannot dwell on the loss. We have to, by faith, keep moving. It is not easy. Like I said, I punched and kicked a few punching bags to get out my frustration. But God is a good Father and His desires and dreams for us are ALWAYS better than ours. They may not be what we expect, but they are good.

Please take a moment to listen to this song (Once and for All – Lauren Daigle): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Btfz9qKXUIk

Let the letting go begin and the loving start <3!